On kids and shutting things out

Last autumn I took a course to become a volunteer at the children's hospital and since January I am officialy a volunteer. It's been a great experience so far and it's made me think about life, death, luck and fate on more than one occasion. One of the main pieces of advice we are given as junior volunteers is: "What happens in the hospital, stays in the hospital. Don't take any emotional burndens with you."

Easier said than done. 

Especially when you visit kids who are about to have an operation or are recovering from one and while all the other volunteers are trying to make them laugh, you can't stop thinking about your 7-year-old self, lying in a hospital bed with both legs in cast up to your hips. The pain. And the heat. And the urge to scratch - the worse feeling ever (I remember using felt-tip pens and getting quite a few caps stuck under the cast :). The sleepless nights before the operation...and after it. The sound of the stretcher coming to get you. The fear of not waking up after the operation. The fear of "not being clever anymore" (whatever that means) after you wake up. Your dad asking you Math questions to prove that your cognitive skills are intact (back then I could do Maths after surgery, now I need to take painkillers every time I see numbers). The pain and the heaviness in your legs. The crappy food. Your mom's sleepless nights and worried looks. Do these kids really need a stranger to tell them that life is a joke? I wonder.

Nope, not easy. 

Especially when you walk into the playroom and your see a familiar face: "Have we met before?", you ask.

"Yes, I am one of your students."

Silence. "Of course...How are you? I mean...do you know when you'll be out of here?" embarrassed fidgeting. Sometimes you are just at a loss for words.

"Not sure, probably next week."

"Ok, I'll give you all the material we have covered when you get back. Just let me know if there is anything I can help you with."

What happens in the hospital stays in the hospital. My arse.

No matter how hard I try, there are things I cannot shut out and move on. I am learning, though. Let's say I am developing my tough persona.

Had I learnt earlier, I might not have walked into an exam completely distraught and heartbroken. Had I shut him out, I might have passed...But as they say in Italian: "Con i se e con i ma la storia non si fa." (Literally: If and but don't make history).

To be honest, I only want to use my tough persona in exam conditions. In real life I'd much rather be the person who happily rolls out of the hospital with a paper flower in their hand. "I made it for you, Prof., see you in class."

It's ok to keep moving forward. It's ok to want more and to work hard to get it. However, sometimes all you need is realise how lucky you are to be healthy, happy, loved, relatively wealthly, relatively successful, young, wild and free. 

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