Bad conscience?

Lately I often have bad dreams, sometimes real nightmares. The problem is not the nightmare in itself, but rather not knowing whether what happened in my dream is real or not.

Last night, for example, I dreamed that my supervisor told me my dissertation was absolute crap and that they would let me defend it just so they see how good I am at bullshitting, but that there's no way I would get my Master's. I then dreamed that my former boss threatened me with a knife because I had sent a confidential email to the wrong addresses. And, last one, I dreamed that something nice happened to my friend. It took me a few seconds to realise my brain had made it all up. Some would probably say that vivid dreams show you have great imagination. Others, however, say that dreams are a reflection of reality. If the latter is true, there are three options: 

a) I have a bad conscience for being a bit careless at times (a reaction to my being over scrupulous most of the time, I guess).

b) I am developing a medical condition which very much resembles paranoia (worrying!).

c) My body has had enough of staying up late/waking up extra early to finish work and is telling me I need food and sleep. I'd better go get some food before I start dreaming about a talking rugby ball yelling at me and punching me in the face :)

Out and about

Despite the schizophrenic weather spring is finally here. The town is getting livelier, more and more people sit outside and even more people go for long walks or runs. I have been feeling very excited about the days getting longer for quite a while now. I have also decided to train properly at least three times a week. After seeing what the rest of the team is capable of, I have absolutely no excuses. The only way to improve is to work hard and keep going, ignore the pain and your head telling you that you can't do this. A friend once told me that when you feel you have no energy left you actually have another 20% to use before you start damaging your body. There you go, no excuses!

I am not the only one in the family who likes to spend time in the open air. Our wee beast also enjoys running like mad in the garden (I swear she looks more like a rabbit than anything else!) and making us run with her. Well, today she probably decided she had enough of our (large but not large enough for a Chihuahua) garden and ventured outside. God only knows how she managed to get on the street... She was probably trying to elope with some good looking male specimen. When my dad got home and realised that she was nowhere to be seen, he started running. First around the garden. Nothing. Then in the woods close to our house. Nothing. He then went on the street. Still nothing. It was when he started imagining all the possible negative scenarios that my mum got a call from the nearby kennel. Mika was there - safe, sound and looking absolutely miserable. Hopefully she has learnt the lesson and will now think twice before running after the next sexy husband-to-be. A big 'thank you' to the person who found her and took care of her. The world is full of nice people :)

Growing up

Sometimes you find yourself wondering why you always find things you don't like about yourself, aspects of your own character you would like to change or improve.

You ask yourself why there are friends who are always there, no matter how far away they are, and other people you consider to be your friends, who keep disappearing.

You wish you could make people around you happy, even though you know that all your efforts won't be enough.

You disapprove of teenagers who cannot write one cohesive and coherent paragraph and start swearing at smartphones and the like. And you remind yourself you were once their age too (true, but you were much better at writing than they are :)

You do not understand people who like gossip and you remember why you decided to leave your hometown at the age of 16.

You fail to understand people who keep making last-minute requests.

You shiver when you think think about this summer and the usual invasion of grasshoppers.

You then look at what you have just written and come to the conclusion that it is neither coherent nor cohesive. The 16-year-old me could write something much more interesting. Back then I was shy and insecure and yet I was determined to go my own way, follow my gut feeling and my passions. I was often scared I wouldn't make it, worried what people would think of me. Maybe I still am. In fact, I probably always will be. I'll always ask myself questions and fail to give myself a convincing answer. One thinks that being a grownup means knowing everything. False. All I know now is that, as long as you look forward, you keep improving and shaping a better version of yourself every day.

And if you really need a definite answer but cannot find one, let me give you a hint: pat yourself on the back and go for STROOPWAFELS! :)